Interesting post! For me, directness depends where you learnt to speak.
I get the anglo directness (this post) and why it treats honesty as a risk to be managed so nobody bleeds. I live in the Netherlands (directness = national sport) and grew up in the Balkans and Italy (directness = love language), so I've been fluent in directness for a while but not the kind you described here.
For me, Dutch directness is like neutral weather. You see, in my first Dutch meeting, a colleague told me, in front of everyone, that my plan wouldn't work. Then he asked if I wanted to get lunch. He meant both. That's the thing about Dutch directness: there's no aftertaste. The words are the whole message. Balkan directness, on the other hand, is another animal. It comes with temperature - opinions delivered over coffee, with love, uninvited, at volume. At best it's about intimacy: if my aunt critiques your life choices in forensic detail, congrats...you're family now. We save politeness for strangers. Where I'm from, sugar-coating is what you do to someone you're about to disappoint. Nobody where I'm from has ever had to wonder what their mother-in-law thinks of them.
Which is why 'learn to be direct' undersells the real skill: reading which culture currency the room trades in. The same sentence is efficiency in Amsterdam, aggression in London, and affection in Croatia.
My mom says I've gone Dutch; my Dutch colleagues say I'm a mix of Italian and Balkan; the only thing we've agreed on is my "character" :)
"Where I'm from, sugar-coating is what you do to someone you're about to disappoint. Nobody where I'm from has ever had to wonder what their mother-in-law thinks of them."
Fascinating comment and lived experience to read - thanks for sharing. The difference b/w cultures is so interesting.
This post reminded me of the book Culture Map by Erin Meyer. I love how Miss Solvent categorized each cultures meaning in directness which was an aha moment to me, I believe it will be for others too:) In Japan, it depends on East/West area. For east Japan, directness = honesty and but sometimes with negative emotion. For west Japan it has a little bit more love in it. (Open for other opinions in Japan’s culture!)
I'm also Dutch and I agree with you however in my experience it also depends on the type of organisation that u work in. Sometimes it's wise to be more strategic and choose when to be direct and when not to be direct, even in The Netherlands :)
The content was good, but the writing was masterful. I really loved how you organized the ideas and the text on page, making it easy to read the whole thing while keeping me engaged. Thanks!
Raluca - I can't tell you how much this means to me for you to call this out. It takes an incredibly long time for me to beat something like this into shape - concise enough to be an efficient read, enough nuance to be real-world, broad enough to be widely applicable to different roles and industries. I've always said "I'm not a good writer" which is why I never published a single piece of content until I started my business 2 yrs ago - so for you to say the writing was masterful, means more to me than I can explain. THANK YOU.
I LOVED reading this! I've learned being direct while maintaining a level of mutual respect and groundedness has been a great asset in success...especially in your early-career when it's most important to clarify your needs. Appreciate you rounding these thoughts together...great article.
I love your point on starting direct and ending on a warm note. I’m from Germany and we tend to be very direct, often giving very short answers which tend to come off (too) cold. We usually don’t mean it because we believe that others are in the same head space as us, but that’s mostly not the case. Showing understanding and warmth, even when being direct, is so important in our day to day communication. I think lots of people don’t learn communication strategies like this in schools, so having this here should hopefully make an impact.
Yes! I love what you said around communication should be taught in schools. I totally agree. It should be a core subject like maths or science Agree with what you said about where you're from influencing your style. This is what makes the world so interesting. We're all raised with different models of what good communication looks like, esp across cultures. For people who lean warm - we're always being told you have to be more direct. For people who are too direct, they're told they have to tone it down. Thanks for the thoughtful comment Jannis (I love working with Germans btw!)
I loved your mindset shifts. Unclarity is unkindness — I can offer an affirmative version of that statement which really supports my communication motives, which is “Clarity is kind.” We have work to do on our socialization, which has taught us to obfuscate in order to belong, and as we do so we lose integrity and belonging with ourselves.
This was uniquely helpful. I am always working on “sticking the landing” by giving my critical feedback the right tone without apologizing or undermining myself. Very good tips!
This is SO helpful! Just yesterday, I got a text from a friend, who, after an aggressive text from someone asked me: would we be more successful if we were assholes? My answer: probably.
And: this piece actually takes the truth of what she and I were thinking (we care too much about being likeable) and puts it into useful context beyond just "be an asshole." Thank you!!
YES! We care too much about being likeable, and it's also not our fault (so many reasons we are this way, and there's a really positive side to it as well... we want to make other people feel comfortable and understood). But it also holds us back / undermines us. Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Tiffany.
What if the feedback I've gotten is that I'm *too* direct? I honestly find this confusing because I'm a big believer in "unclear is unkind," especially when I'm on the receiving end!
AMEN! I run into this - have you came across the personality type that feels forever patronised? I have nooo idea how to deal with this and the catch 22 is any way I try to level with them or explain it just looks like I’m doubling down ☠️
Great piece! When I first started my career, I had a tendency to say sorry a lot. I had a boss at the time tell me that it undermines my position to do so. You can take responsibility and not be sorry. You’re human. Shit happens. Changed the game for me.
Interesting post! For me, directness depends where you learnt to speak.
I get the anglo directness (this post) and why it treats honesty as a risk to be managed so nobody bleeds. I live in the Netherlands (directness = national sport) and grew up in the Balkans and Italy (directness = love language), so I've been fluent in directness for a while but not the kind you described here.
For me, Dutch directness is like neutral weather. You see, in my first Dutch meeting, a colleague told me, in front of everyone, that my plan wouldn't work. Then he asked if I wanted to get lunch. He meant both. That's the thing about Dutch directness: there's no aftertaste. The words are the whole message. Balkan directness, on the other hand, is another animal. It comes with temperature - opinions delivered over coffee, with love, uninvited, at volume. At best it's about intimacy: if my aunt critiques your life choices in forensic detail, congrats...you're family now. We save politeness for strangers. Where I'm from, sugar-coating is what you do to someone you're about to disappoint. Nobody where I'm from has ever had to wonder what their mother-in-law thinks of them.
Which is why 'learn to be direct' undersells the real skill: reading which culture currency the room trades in. The same sentence is efficiency in Amsterdam, aggression in London, and affection in Croatia.
My mom says I've gone Dutch; my Dutch colleagues say I'm a mix of Italian and Balkan; the only thing we've agreed on is my "character" :)
Best thing I've read on the internet this week:
"Where I'm from, sugar-coating is what you do to someone you're about to disappoint. Nobody where I'm from has ever had to wonder what their mother-in-law thinks of them."
Fascinating comment and lived experience to read - thanks for sharing. The difference b/w cultures is so interesting.
This post reminded me of the book Culture Map by Erin Meyer. I love how Miss Solvent categorized each cultures meaning in directness which was an aha moment to me, I believe it will be for others too:) In Japan, it depends on East/West area. For east Japan, directness = honesty and but sometimes with negative emotion. For west Japan it has a little bit more love in it. (Open for other opinions in Japan’s culture!)
I'm also Dutch and I agree with you however in my experience it also depends on the type of organisation that u work in. Sometimes it's wise to be more strategic and choose when to be direct and when not to be direct, even in The Netherlands :)
I’ve expanded my thoughts here in case you’d like to dive deeper:
https://misssolvent.substack.com/p/this-plan-wont-work-coming-to-lunch?r=5wpelp&utm_medium=ios
The content was good, but the writing was masterful. I really loved how you organized the ideas and the text on page, making it easy to read the whole thing while keeping me engaged. Thanks!
Raluca - I can't tell you how much this means to me for you to call this out. It takes an incredibly long time for me to beat something like this into shape - concise enough to be an efficient read, enough nuance to be real-world, broad enough to be widely applicable to different roles and industries. I've always said "I'm not a good writer" which is why I never published a single piece of content until I started my business 2 yrs ago - so for you to say the writing was masterful, means more to me than I can explain. THANK YOU.
totally agree!
I LOVED reading this! I've learned being direct while maintaining a level of mutual respect and groundedness has been a great asset in success...especially in your early-career when it's most important to clarify your needs. Appreciate you rounding these thoughts together...great article.
Olivia, thank you. I love what you said about mutual respect and groundedness. That's so well articulated. Thank you for the thoughtful comment.
I love your point on starting direct and ending on a warm note. I’m from Germany and we tend to be very direct, often giving very short answers which tend to come off (too) cold. We usually don’t mean it because we believe that others are in the same head space as us, but that’s mostly not the case. Showing understanding and warmth, even when being direct, is so important in our day to day communication. I think lots of people don’t learn communication strategies like this in schools, so having this here should hopefully make an impact.
Yes! I love what you said around communication should be taught in schools. I totally agree. It should be a core subject like maths or science Agree with what you said about where you're from influencing your style. This is what makes the world so interesting. We're all raised with different models of what good communication looks like, esp across cultures. For people who lean warm - we're always being told you have to be more direct. For people who are too direct, they're told they have to tone it down. Thanks for the thoughtful comment Jannis (I love working with Germans btw!)
I loved your mindset shifts. Unclarity is unkindness — I can offer an affirmative version of that statement which really supports my communication motives, which is “Clarity is kind.” We have work to do on our socialization, which has taught us to obfuscate in order to belong, and as we do so we lose integrity and belonging with ourselves.
love this!!! can you do a version for personal life??
hhaha good idea actually
So clear and to the point!
Thank you so much Rachel
I humbly request part two: how to be direct *while* sounding like a d*ck. 🤍 fantastic as always
This was uniquely helpful. I am always working on “sticking the landing” by giving my critical feedback the right tone without apologizing or undermining myself. Very good tips!
Love what you said about “sticking the landing”
This is SO helpful! Just yesterday, I got a text from a friend, who, after an aggressive text from someone asked me: would we be more successful if we were assholes? My answer: probably.
And: this piece actually takes the truth of what she and I were thinking (we care too much about being likeable) and puts it into useful context beyond just "be an asshole." Thank you!!
YES! We care too much about being likeable, and it's also not our fault (so many reasons we are this way, and there's a really positive side to it as well... we want to make other people feel comfortable and understood). But it also holds us back / undermines us. Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Tiffany.
What if the feedback I've gotten is that I'm *too* direct? I honestly find this confusing because I'm a big believer in "unclear is unkind," especially when I'm on the receiving end!
AMEN! I run into this - have you came across the personality type that feels forever patronised? I have nooo idea how to deal with this and the catch 22 is any way I try to level with them or explain it just looks like I’m doubling down ☠️
That’s my issue as well. I am writing monitor post-it’s based on #2-#6.
Great post. I grew up in the UK so I’m constantly trying to unlearn my indirectness.
I absolutely love this. It is so helpful!
This is amazing! Thanks again
Great post--I love all of your examples! I wish we lived in a world were we could be direct and not worry about hurting feelings especially with work.
Great piece! When I first started my career, I had a tendency to say sorry a lot. I had a boss at the time tell me that it undermines my position to do so. You can take responsibility and not be sorry. You’re human. Shit happens. Changed the game for me.
I've never heard it articulated this way, and I love it: You can take responsibility and not be sorry.
Thank you for always sharing such thoughtful feedback (from a fellow prolific over-apologizer).